Behavior becomes a habit when we repeatedly show the same behavior in a specific situation. Our brain then creates an association between the behavior and the situation, and a trigger develops that leads to the habit. For example, eating a snack while watching a series on the couch in the evening, biting your nails when you’re stressed, or having a beer with your colleagues on Friday afternoon.
Over time, your habits shape your life. We develop both healthy and unhealthy habits because the behavior gives us something in return. Healthy habits like working out or brushing your teeth are good for your mental and physical health—they often make us feel better in the long term. Unhealthy habits usually offer a short-term benefit, often fleeting: think of smoking a cigarette or biting your nails when you're stressed. You feel temporarily better and are therefore rewarded for the behavior. But in the long term, the negative consequences start to show. This brings new stress, and that cigarette once again feels like a quick fix to feel better. That’s how you end up in a vicious cycle of unhealthy behavior.
All of us have certain habits we’re happy with, but everyone also has one or more unhealthy habits they'd rather get rid of. These can be things you do or don’t do (eating habits, exercise routines, things around the house, social interactions, etc.), but also certain thought patterns (insecurity, perfectionism, overanalyzing, etc.). At some point, you might be completely fed up and decide it’s time for a change: time for a new you. You set out to change your behavior and learn a new, healthier habit.
Let’s take the Friday afternoon beer as an example. You don’t want to drink alcohol anymore because you feel awful the next day and can never stick to just one. You’d rather feel fit on Saturday and not lie in bed until noon. You decide to skip drinks this coming Friday and stick to your plan. For a few weeks, you manage pretty well—even when your colleagues try to convince you to join for just one. But then you have a rough week, you’re completely done with work, and your willpower is gone: you decide to have a beer after all. One thing leads to another, and you end up staying out way too late again. The next day you feel like you’ve failed—why can’t you do this? You failed so many times before!
It’s not about willpower or motivation. You really do want this—there’s no doubt about that. Your chance of success often has more to do with your basic psychological needs.
What are our basic psychological needs?
Humans have three fundamental psychological needs that guide our behavior:
1. Autonomy: the ability to make your own choices and feel in control of your actions.
2. Competence: your knowledge, skills, and personal traits that help you carry out tasks successfully.
3. Connection: the feeling of being supported and valued by others and having a sense of belonging.
When these needs are fulfilled, we thrive. When they’re (partly) unmet, we get stuck. And that has a major impact on whether or not you’re able to stick to new behavior.
How these basic needs influence behavior change
Autonomy: I choose this
You have to choose the behavior change yourself for it to be successful. If a change feels like something you have to do—like a strict diet or a harsh workout schedule—there’s a good chance you’ll experience resistance (“I don’t even want this!”). But if it feels like your own choice, it becomes much easier to maintain.
Tip: find your why. Ask yourself why this change matters to you, and write it down. This is the deeper reason behind your desire to change. Remind yourself of it daily to make choices that align with your why.
Competence: I can do this
Don’t make it too hard on yourself. Look back at previous attempts to change and see what worked well then—and which of your personal traits helped with that. Take those lessons with you into this new change. Are you good at planning? Start by creating a realistic plan. If something is too hard or confusing, or if you constantly feel like you’re failing, your motivation will drop. Healthier habits that feel achievable lead to more success—and that boosts your motivation.
Tip: break your big goals down into small, realistic sub-goals. Work with weekly goals and track your progress on a calendar. Celebrate the small wins!
Connection: I’m not in this alone
Receiving social support gives us strength. Feeling seen and supported increases your chances of success, while shame or feeling alone makes it harder and reduces your motivation. In the Friday beer example, it can help to tell your colleagues that you’re working on behavior change and why you’re doing it. This can create more understanding for your choice.
Tip: seek out people who understand you. A friend, coach, or community can truly make a difference.
Most behavior change advice skips this part. It focuses on what you should do (eat this, don’t do that), but not on the why behind the change. If a method doesn’t meet your psychological needs, you won’t be able to sustain it. It will feel like a struggle instead of a choice—and it will never become a lifestyle.
Takeaway message:
Before you decide to work towards a goal, ask yourself the following questions:
– Is this really my choice, and why do I want to change?
– Is this step realistic and doable for me?
– Do I have enough support?
If you can answer ‘yes’ three times, you’re starting your behavior change on a strong foundation and your chance of success will be much greater!